Why change?

I have been gone a while….

Am back now and am wondering,

why did I start?

Truth is I started this blog, as a  means of dealing

with my insecurities, my emotional problems.

 

I never really spoke to anyone;

about what I was going through.

I thought I was alone,

when actually I was shutting people out;

I was pushing people away.

 

I have realised that the key, is to surround

yourself with the right people.

I felt like I couldn’t show compassion

or love to any individual because I

thought,”this is what makes me weak”.

 

This wasn’t the case,

I was consistently placing my

trust in the wrong people.

Constantly being disappointed,

to the point where I thought being bitter

and hateful was the answer.

 

Rather than choosing to change my

environment, I let my environment change me.

Am not trying to fool anyone,

am still facing these challenges.

 

Change is a process,

it’s a process defined by your actions.

The outcome of your actions,

are determined by the environment,

you choose to constantly place yourself in.

 

“Anyhow I went slightly off topic,

I am refocusing the purpose of my blog.

I will be discussing current problems

in the world, the bible (as I want to understand it more),

poetry, challenges I have faced and hopefully just learning

more about myself as well as the beautiful people

that exist in the world”.

 

So please give me a follow,

I follow back. I am always

eager to learn new things and

hearing about life from different perspectives.

 

Yours Truly,

A S Mumba Zulu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soul Searching

I have been searching, ravaging my soul.
Trying to renew my spirit, in the lord of course. For the entire length of my life, I have been a religious Christian. What that means is; I have believed in God, I have always been aware of his presence in my life. But i never really took the time to get to know him.

The last 7 years of my life, I have been living in a cycle because of failing to acknowledge the love I have for him. Although I went to church, Sunday after Sunday.  I never really committed myself to the Lord or the bible.

Now this is the strangest thing, because I would never imagine myself talking about God the way I am now. I used to hear my mum say things like, the Lord is the only one that can save you. She is so passionate and content in the Lord, to the extent that I thought; this women was crazy.

I didn’t wanna be crazy. So I used to hide the fact I was a Christian and I didn’t read the bible because I thought it would make me crazy too.

As a result I created my own reality. Denying the existence of the being, who has watched over me, my entire life. I knew in my heart, although I would take one step forward and two steps back. That God is the only one that kept me moving forward.

As humans, we all have our flaws and short comings. We are born sinner’s, because of the desire of our flesh.

As a result, reading the bible made me feel so guilty about the things i was doing and the way i lived my life. Because deep down i knew the things i was doing werent right; it wasnt the best thing for me.

So i decided, i would be the best person i could be. That i would try and overcome my temptations and my urges, on my own. I now realise, I was trying to convince myself of a lie. I told myself I was making progress and trying to be a better person.

Little did i know, only God has the power to change your circumstances; he is the only one who has the power to neutralise all your urges and free you from what ever shackles are holding you down. It sounds bizarre right; I have realised this is only possible, if you have faith and trust in the Lord completely. Truth is am only starting to get the hang of this.

But i can honestly say that in 7 days of reading the bible every night. I have made more progress in my life, than I have in the past 7 years. I don’t take one step forward and two steps back anymore.  This is simply because the Lord is walking side by side with me and with him, no enemy can conquer me.

We tend to get lost in our sin’s and become content in the way we are living. Denying what is right in front of us. In order to keep going through the same motions because we are comfortable. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and I will never look back.

I am a sinner, I have urges and desires. I lived life the way I did, because it satisfied me. I didn’t want to believe in God because I didn’t want to stop sinning. But what people don’t see, is the we were put on this earth for a reason. I believe life is a test, to assess the capability of humanity to overcome sin and temptation; to follow the word of God but that’s just me.

My thought process to this is that, I shouldn’t be living life trying to fulfill my deepest and darkest desires; convincing myself I am enjoying life. Because drinking and smoking for example, only helped me deal with my insecurities. I was running away from the problems I face. Attempting to get away from the emptiness I felt inside. Convincing myself I was happy.

In everything we go through in life, we encounter circumstances. Whether it be in school, our career, our emotions or our mentality. During these circumstances, there is no doubt that you will face challenges.

How you deal with these challenges defines you. There is also a process in death, therefore life it self is a challenge, that will determine your place after death. Just like your decisions determine your outcome and your place here on earth.

Food for thought.

A S Mumba Zulu

What’s love got to do with it!!!!!!

Everyone is capable of loving and being loved. So don’t ever tell yourself no one loves you or that no one ever will. That being said, I believe there are different types of love; but before you can learn to love someone else. You must first learn to love yourself.

Loving yourself is the most important thing you can ever do, because it means you put yourself first and you know what is best for yourself e.g. being in an abusive relationship, whether emotional or physical.

What am trying to get at is that, by putting yourself first you will maintain your emotional stability as your priority. I have often seen people in toxic relationships, where they are being emotionally abused but still choose to be with that person.

Does this mean they don’t love each other or care about each other? From my point of view, I believe love can either come from a negative or a positive place. How the couple choose to drive that relationship, will determine the form of love that will blossom.

What people or should I say teenagers of this generation don’t seem to understand; is that being in a relationship, is not a matter to joke with. Opening up your heart to vulnerability from a young age can cause psychological uncertainty of what you perceive as happiness.
Having experienced this for myself, I know the confusion this can bring. How it hinders you from finding true happiness. But of course you can’t find happiness, you have to let it find you. Live for joy and laughter. Rather than trying to search for it.

Anyhow, I went slightly off topic.

I can’t remember how many times I claimed to be in love. I eventually wondered if love truly existed. Chasing after girls and convincing myself I was in love. Eventually I got bored of the concept. I saw the same thing happening around me.

Guys would spend weeks pursuing a girl but once they got her, they lost interest and started mistreating them. This made kind, caring and loving girls; into what can I can only describe as the opposite. Those girls then went out with nice guys, who also ended up heart broken and the cycle just went on and on……

A S Mumba Zulu

Doubt

Do not doubt have faith.

I find that whenever i question or doubt myself; i am questioning my sanity. My capabilities to make decisions that are best for me and my life. For that reason alone, you shouldnt let anyone tell you what is best for you. It’s your life alone. It’s like letting someone into your home and giving them authority to move around your furniture. No one but yourself can decide whether the decisions you make were wrong or right; more so no decision you make can be wrong or right because at some point it is what you wanted. There is a reason the past if the past. If you are questioning your decisions you question your identity.

Am not a psychologist. But iv found myself feeling like am losing my mind; whenever I have doubted myself, my decisions and the things I believe in. Your past must be used as a guideline to future events, as to not make the same mistakes over and over. Because as Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity states; doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Live your life with no regrets, but lessons from the mistakes you have faced to better prepare yourself for the challenges that are too come.

Dear Self Conscious Women

You might not be perfect.
But from your head to your thighs and toes.
Your, your own sensation.
You might look in a mirror.
You might wanna give up?
Lift your head up high.
There’s non to fear.
Your beauty is your own

Lay down some foundation
Sure, that will make things better.
I write you this letter.
To tell you, you never looked better.
Whether rain or shine
The sun’s always bright.
Your smile will soon be someone’s light.

-A S Mumba Zulu

Change

Change “make or become different”

For as long as I can remember, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I would look in the mirror; I would sometimes expect to see someone else. I would wonder, is this truly me. Bare in mind at this point, I would enduldge myself in food just because I was bored. I wore baggy clothes to hide my fat and look muscular, although I had always been uncomfortable with my appearance. Doing so made me feel better about myself.

My confidence was slowly deteriorating, I would tuck the sadness I felt in the back of my mind. Just to make each day bearable. I would brush comments about my weight to the side; pretend they didn’t bother me. But i could slowly feel it building up; the anger and frustration of hating the person I was.

I was then introduced to drinking, bare in mind I was only 15 at the time. I found comfort in it, it made me feel better about myself. It instilled me with confidence, until I started making a bad habit of it. I was slowly losing sight of who I truly was. Going home drunk, the stench of alcohol on my breath. But I was still trying to convince my mum I was sober, while wobbling along the floor.

U.Gotta.Love.Yourself

U.G.L.Y

We are lead to believe that life is filled with happy endings. My expectations of life, as an adult, are like nothing i imagined. I loved Disney films as I was growing up. I would very much like to blame them for my high expectations I had for my life. But then again, I tend to make excuses substantially. That needs to come to an end.

If there is anything I have realised as an adult; the most important lesson, is simply. You have to love yourself. That is where your happy endings begin. Every problem I have faced, every challenge, was somehow derived from the fact I never loved myself. I believe this is because In social situations I often struggled to be myself.

Therefore I pretended to be something am not. As we all know, if you pretend to be something long enough you eventually become it. This meant I wasn’t capable of making the best decisions for myself. I didn’t know what I wanted because I was constantly facing a battle with myself. At some point I didn’t know who I was. For that reason alone, i am glad I managed to find myself.

Because as an adult if you don’t know who your are, who you want to be. You are in this case, a person without an identity. A blank canvas that can be scribbled on. I guess the point am trying to make is that, you shouldn’t ever lose sight of your dreams.

The things you aspire to be, because only you have the power to make them come true. Life is a painting which can eventually turn out to be a masterpiece; a Picasso or Van Gogh; or it can be a scribble. I assure you it only depends on how much you love yourself and the happiness you think you deserve.

Forgiveness

Many times I have been wronged and had to sacrifice my happiness to make others happy by “forgiving”. This seems to be the only consistent trend in my life, being wronged and having to look the other way and sacrificing my happiness. But how can you forgive someone and continue to live with them, eat with them and sleep in the same room with them.

Seeing no change in there personality during the years you have grown to know them and still have to live with them and sleep in the same room as them. Knowing nothing has changed and that they are still the same. The person that took away your childhood and abused you and yet be forced to call him brother.

I try my best to forgive but how can I forget when am constantly reminded. Everytime I move on, am faced with the reality. I feel like am constantly stuck and have nowhere to go. So many things I have locked away, I wonder how I haven’t gone insane.

The hope of a better future, continues to give me the strength I need for tomorrow. I choose not to dwell in the past. But i choose to live in the present and be aware of reality. I choose to build a life and future. I choose to forgive and move forward. But am still haunted by the flashes of rage and anger.

I wonder, for what reason have i endured this pain?

Who am I?

Identity is important, regardless what ages. If your a frown man, you know realise what type of man you are. If you have children, you need to insure they know what type of man they want to be. Think about it this way, if you are developing a product. You need to know who your target market is. So you can build features around their needs. It sounds pretty deep, but the same applies to life. You need to know what type of person you want to me. So you can build yourself step by step and eventually reach your goal. As a result of not knowing who I am. Who I want to be, I went astray. 

That’s where group identity comes into play. The people you surround yourself with will have a great impact on your life. This is the most pominant phrase I remember my mother telling. Unfortunately I never listened. As you grow not only does your individual identity unfold, but so does your group identity. I have had big dreams from a young age. But because I haven’t had the right input, I haven’t had any output.  Am a 20 year old wondering how my life is going to be. I realise and have to remind myself, that only depends on me and the changes I choose to make in my life.

Input Determines Output

So I am lying here, doing the one thing I seem to be able to do endlessly. Thinking…… It fascinates me the thoughts that flood into my mind. They tend to be negative, my mind seems to be constantly morphed into the past. Analysing mistakes that I have made. But still I find myself making similar, if not the same mistakes.

The mind truly is a great thing. I tend to carry out experiments on myself. To see how I act in social situations, how I compose myself, what I talk about, who I am with, the music I listen to and the things I read. I am pretty sure it’s not just me, so am gonna go ahead and refer to this, as an “us” problem.

We listen to music about “bodacious broads” and watch films and music videos about “bursting glocks” not thinking about the fact. We are feeding our minds. Instead of listening and watching empowering forms of media; we poison ourselves with vulgar images. A delusion of a lifestyle most can’t afford and will never live; driving yourself to insanity. Seeing women as objects because of “urban rappers” try to portray a persona of vanity.

Little do we know it’s a trap, havning desires of material things you can’t afford. Constantly being brainwashed through whatever form of media. I don’t say this lightly, because iv seen it from both sides. Listening to negative music, reading about things going on in the world and being around the wrong people.

I was constantly feeding myself negative information. That alone, mixed with a little desperation. I had thoughts in my mind that would turn me pagen. We live in a vicious circle but only you hold the key to your destiny. Only you can change your future, it’s your choice and yours alone.

A.S.M-Zulu